What happened to my first love?

(Revelation 2: 4,5)

They raised their arms, swaying in tandem with the praise; I gnashed my teeth in despair.

They supped in the same table with Him; I ate the crumbs from their feast.

They beheld His glory; I couldn’t see past the veil on my face.

They jumped in joy; I mourned in sorrow.

What had happened to me?

I decided to quit.

The exit door was huge, but old. I could see the stain from the palm of the last man that used it. The mark was still fresh. How many had left through this door? How many came back? The story goes that it is easy to leave but very difficult to come back.

Heart hitting hard on my ribs, I grabbed the handle. A click, a hilarious shout! I retracted my hand and looked back. A beautiful young woman just came in through the small entrance door. I shook my head in shame. Such was the hilarious welcome-shout when I first entered the kingdom. Then, I was enjoying everything – the music, the worship, the fellowship. What had happened to me?

What happened to my zeal to serve the Lord at all times? What happened to my passion to please the king in all circumstances? What happened to my desire to do His will at all cost? Ashamed of remembering where I had fallen, I quickly grabbed the door handle and turned it hard. Then, everything became dead silent. No more worship, no more music – I was dumb-dead to everything happening inside.

A tap at my back and I turned. Standing behind was a man in white apparel.

“Why do you want to go?”

His countenance was full of care as He asked. His warm smile proved wrong my belief that nobody cared any longer about me in the kingdom.

“I’m no more useful here.” I kindly told Him.

He looked at me with pity. “It’s very cold outside,” He warned. “If you leave, you might not make it back. Stay with us. We love you.”

Me? Those pleading and caring words hit me hard. Am I still loved the way I am? I couldn’t believe it. Shaking terribly, my hands slipped off the door-handle and I fell down on my knees. With tears running down my cheeks,

I promised the King of kings that I would return to my first love.

Nevertheless I have somewhat against thee, because thou hast left thy first love. Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen, and repent, and do the first works; or else I will come unto thee quickly, and will remove thy candlestick out of his place, except thou repent. (Rev. 2:4,5)

– okenna igbokwe